Girl, you are so insatiably fine;
How I long to run fingers down your spine!
Alas! I yearn that you were mine -
I'd hold you till the end of time.
'tis the witching hour but I'm still awake;
My eyes tremble but they linger on,
Pondering over my life and dreams of late.
Thinking of you keeps me soldiering on...
You're my cherry on top, my piece of pie;
Red and brown, you're a treat to the eye.
You taste just as sweet, even sweeter;
I'd hold you if I could from now to forever.
I wish there was a place I could hide;
Leave my troubles and worries aside.
Like Alice with you by my side,
Down towards Wonderland we'll slide.
8 comments:
:-)
Nice poem... though sounds a bit more like a song due to the rhyme and long syllable count. :)
hey i dont know how to rhyme but here's a try just to irritate you:
i know i can't rhyme
is it such a crime?
hey btw i posted comments last nte but it dint get posted..
why?
damn i wrote such a nice poem last nte now i cant remember it..
Z says:
your obsession with rhyme seems to be hampering you. reading the poem aloud made me look at your taste in music, which seems to be mostly arena rock when i expected rap.
Your poems brim with enthusiasm, but they are equally heavy handed. Perhaps you should use some subtlety, and tone down your imagery ("You're my cherry on top, my piece of pie;")... perhaps, build some tension as the stanzas progress instead of laying everything straight away thinking too much about the form. perhaps you can also tone down you blatant and aggressive objectification of your girl- it would be quite intimidating. but that's just my opinion on my first encounter with your poem, i don't mean to be prescriptive in any way.
http://www.luminarium.org/sevenlit/marvell/coy.htm
@Z: Yes... nice insight. In that respect though, I hope you've checked out my earlier posts... there aren't that many so you really should. Recently I admit I've been quite obsessed with rhyming - 4 lines rhymes, and even 6 line rhymes... it has hampered the flow of the lines indeed. Although some of the earlier ones I composed so that they may have the same syllables in each line as well, though I have only composed one full-fledged sonnet. If literature intrigues you, I intend to post prose works soon; if you can't wait, I can always mail you some. Thanks for the insight again.
yes yes thx for letting me use your laptop..
a fren in need of a laptop is a fren indeed.
i also know ur goin to get annoyed at again me not posting some constructive criticisms, but i told u im not goin to..
i think telling u face to face is enuff..
lol
chillax!!
Z says:
I haven't met a writer with your energy in a long time. Write what you feel is good without trying to adapt to the sensibilities of others.
I'll read your prose work when you post in your blog.
Keep blogging!
Stop it people! You're all giving me a big head...! And I'm already quite known for it!
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